on keytars

Keytars are the shit,

But piantars are better.
...what's a piantar?

on antidisestablishmentarianism

Antidisestab-
lishmentarianism:
Too few syllables.

bacon

The excess fat drips,

We lick it, get obese kids.

Canada's to blame!

Special Thanksgiving.

The best of meals made divine!

Turbaconducken.

"No bacon." Almost!

I'd make them cry cleverly,

But no palendrome. :(

pie/π-kus

3.141

5926535

8979...

"Happy Birthday, Rev!"

I said, "NO CAKE!" Give me pie!

Even cheesecake's fine.

Key Lime Factory,

Just down the road from my place.

Rev prevents bankruptcy.

a pair of glasses

A Catch-22.

To find it, you must have it:

GPS Unit.

Got them at 15.

First put them on at Wal-mart.

Yelled, "This place is HUGE!"

"Well, you look...smarter."

Thanks, but that's not what I want:

To be damned sexy.

Eyes are off-center.

Thus, the glasses are crooked.

I look retarded.

Found them on a bench.

They looked like my prescription.

Kept 'em. (True story.)

brothers

I have two of them.

They are both taller than me.

The eldest feels short.

I'm an Irish twin.

Born within a year of me,

He's the evil one.

We hate each other

The way married folks tend to,

But we both have cocks.

The youngest is cool,

Growing up just like me. Why?

Manipulation.

on robots

My prime directive

Doesn't matter anymore.
I love you, Wall-E.

They're expendable.

Send them in before our troops:

The queers and the jews.

A world of robots.

Immortal and quite depressed.

FUCK YOUR SHOW, CASSHERN!

I like to explain

Humorous things like a drone.

Jux-ta-po-si-tion.

(Sorry for that one.

It simply isn't funny.

A robot wrote it.)

We should have sexbots.

They are more important than
Immortality.

Robot becomes man

(Reverse fossilization).

He plays with his dick.

"I'll be back." ker-SMASH!

God damn you, Schwarzenegger.

I just shat myself.

on the train back home

Sat by an old man

On the train up to PC.

I watched Firefly.

Ex-girlfriend boarded.

Freaked me out beyond belief.

She didn't see me.

The man asked, "Who's that?"

"I took her virginity."

We had a good laugh.

on joints

As in cannabis,
Not osteoporosis.
Aspirin for puns?

A morning dove feeds
In a marijuana bush
And sings a high coo.

He leaped off the edge.
"I will save you, Mary Jane!"
Spiderman's last joint.

(That last one's better
If he's just a normal guy,
But he's REALLY high.)

Only 4 weeks 'til
The best of all holidays:
April Twentieth!

Pineapple Express
Proved to me that God does exist.
ALL HAIL THE CROSS-JOINT!

Legalize the herb.
Bring the world peace with some bud.
Make sure there's Cheetos.

zombies

Eating ice cream

After a good zombie bash.

"You've got red on you."

Huddled near a corpse.

The Smiths eat their dinner. BRAINS!

The other white meat.

Soft sobs in the night.

Shadow of her former self.

Bill startled the Witch!

Eighty yards away.

I have a rifle, they're slow.

Thanks, George Romero!

the army

It's fucking awesome.
They let you shoot guns and stuff.
Just don't drop the soap.

violence in my youth

I was a bully.

I punched a girl in her face

For just five dollars.

Went back to my seat,

Acted asleep. She was the

Bus driver's daughter.

Stabbed with a pencil,

Annoying kid yelled, "Teacher!"

They left. I high-fived.

He just stared blankly

After I bashed his face in.

I did it again.

Pushed against a bench,

I had no more choice in it.

"Them's is fightin' words."

The toss ended quick.

After that? Funny story.

Carpooled to ATOSS.

Gave me an orange.

I threw it and it hit him

In his testicles.

We're still fighting now,

Though not directly. Rather,

When I see him- SMACK!

No more fights since then.

Much anger, no violence.

Need a new hobby.

on ssb, ssbm and ssbb

Super Smash Brothers
At first I sucked, then improved
Now I suck once more.

Starfox is my best.
Some people think he is cheap.
Fuck those idiots.

holocaust haikus that are just wrong

German Nazis? No.

History books say they were

All on vacation.

Ten million bodies,
Gypsies, gays, catholics, jews,
They deserved to die.

Blind and deaf is worse.
Overshadowed by Keller,
Poor Anne Frank's corpse rolls.

I miss the Führer.
We knew evil for certain.
Now, we all might be.

It's easy to say

Mean things when you don't mean them.

Dead jews make me laugh.

Italians switch sides

For convenience. Spaghetti?!

Delizioso!

They wanted Aryan,

But their leader was not one.

Ergo, suicide.

American stance:

"You deal with it." Pearl Harbor.

"Time to be heroes!"

bananas

Banana hammock.
They have bananas in them.
"Bananas" taste good.

You are what you eat,
And you shit what you eat. Thus,
Banana poo-sphere!

on roleplaying

This ain't what you think.
No weird outfits here. Although,
I do like spankings.

Tabletop RPGs.
I play D&D the most.
Other games are good too.

Do you want to play?
Roll up a character, friend.
I'll kill him for you.

These are some people
That I have been. See patterns?
They're all psychopaths.

Paranoid android.
He conquers to protect man.
His name is Iggy.

Ovan and Loki.
Father and cycloptic son.
Only one's a bear.

The perfect being:
Apparently some nanites.
"Hi! I'm GammaMax!"

Zaalbaar the Wookie.
His commercial sounds like this:
*strange growling noises*

Osgival the Elf.
He solo'd a pit fiend once.
Now he hunts the Abyss.

Hanging at gallows.
"But Krom the Misunderstood
Just wanted cabbage." :(

MERIMAS UNDERHILL!
A halfling who always shouts
In a high-pitched voice.

Lars the half-giant.
A nice guy, before anger.
Then he will rape you.

the bravest man

Tiananmen square.
One man stands up to a tank.
Testicles of steel.

on toenails

I need to clip them.
Long, sharp and yellow, they are.
I'll just wear some shoes.

Where did it fly to?
I lost the big toe clipping.
Don't step on it, Self.

on firefly

Serenity drifts

Through reaver territory.

Please do not rape them.

We're not gonna die.

You know why? Because we are

So...very...pretty.

They weren't cows inside.

They forgot. Now they see sky,

Now they remember.

You're drunk, then married,

Then she tries to kill you all.

Don't trust Yo-Saff-Bridge.

Hero of Canton.

A statue born from mistake.

The man they call Jayne.

Am I a lion?

I don't think myself one, but

I've a mighty roar.

River waxes profound.
Nobody seems to get it.
I miss Wash and Book.

the truth

Can't really know it.

Many people think they know,

But they really don't.

Different stories.

It's the Roshômon effect.

Everyone's lying.

I told you the truth.

You refused to believe me.

You never will. Cunt.

Seven syllables.

Five more (I am not lying).

We end with seven.

When talking to you,

All I can think about is

Bumping your ugly.

You think you want it,

But you just can't handle it:

Sexy leprechaun.

on writing haikus

Writing these haikus
That make sense only sometimes
Smells kind of blue-ish.

It is sometimes hard
To come up with what to say.
(five more syllables)

It gets addicting.

Once you start, you just can't stop:

Methamphetamine.

I like lewd haikus.

Dirty things get lots of laughs.

Go google goatse.

Goes without saying,

The last line of this haiku.

I will still say it.

I'm writing haikus.

I should be doing homework.

Procrastination.

Floccinaucini-

Hilipilification

Won't fit on one line.

a common dilemna

I have to potty,

But the internet is here.

...I'll just wait a bit.

to suffer

It doesn't make sense,

Suffering for no reason...

I'll just masterbate.