Thursday, May 7, 2009

on scrubs

It ended last night.
Watched it intermittently,
But it was the shit.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

hentai haiku

Oo me so juicy,
Like a succulent spring plum-
Pluck me! Pluck me now!

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

cinco de mayo

Fiftho of Mayo.
This is the dayo that we
Just lay aroundo.

Monday, May 4, 2009

breaking bad

Best show on TV.
It's all about drugs and stuff,
But it's not The Wire.

Sunday, May 3, 2009

on exams

I have three of them.
I should probably study...
...I'll just masterbate.

Saturday, May 2, 2009

on porn

I watch for function,
sometimes to be entertained:
Who's Nailin' Palin?

Friday, May 1, 2009

on 12-hour workdays

They are the worst thing,
Especially when working
With your ex-girlfriend.

Thursday, April 30, 2009

on copros

Fuck those evil cunts.
Always fucking up my shit
(I do not like them).

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

on kate beaton

She write great comics.
Jokes about history stuff.
My clan's in this one! :D

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

on technology

It does not like me.
Not at first, at least. Sometimes,
It puts out for me.

As an example,
Take Avid's Protools program.
It does not like me.

Monday, April 27, 2009

doctor pepper

You are no doctor,
Nor do you contain peppers.
What's up with that, Doc?

Sunday, April 26, 2009

on making out

When I'm giving tongue,
I like to pop my eyes wide
And swish all around.

But when I try to,
I can't. Preemptive laughter.
She thinks I'm crazy.

Saturday, April 25, 2009

on smiles

They're bad umbrellas.
Frowns are much better, except
Against metaphors.

Also, less wrinkles.
So I am told. I don't know.
Do I look sixty?

Friday, April 24, 2009

on poop

You search homonyms
For "poop" to use in haikus.
You've hit rock bottom.

The greatest of jokes
Are about poop, dung, scat, crap,
And fecal matter.

For example: I
Took your mother on a date.
Then, I shat on her. :D

...I think it's funny.
What? You think you've got better?
Well, let's hear it then!

Thursday, April 23, 2009

on drawing stuff

I'm okay at it.
Not the best artist ever,
But my cocks look right.

I started drawing
When I made D&D maps.
Never enough blood.

Reading webcomics
Inspired me to do more.
This is my first one.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

on pop'ems

Solid donut holes
Are twelve times as delicious
As solid assholes.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

on waiting

Waiting for a ride,
But also waiting for love.
Mostly the ride, though.

Love won't transport me
To the downtown. Luckily,
I love rides. WIN/WIN!

Monday, April 20, 2009

things i'm not good at

Drawing volcanos.
No matter how hard I try,
I get people's buttholes.

When I eat salad,
I can't help but find myself
Covered in lettuce.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

on arrested development

I watched it. Quite good,
But understand why it died:
Lack of nudity.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

on sneezing and the fabric of space-time

I once theorized
That sneezing with eyes open
Can cause time travel.

I never proved it
Until I turned 56,
Like three days ago.

Friday, April 17, 2009

on being wrong

Everyone is wrong.
Recognize this, you are right-
A new kind of wrong.

Nothing's definite.
There is no truth, just true things.
Facts and opinions.

Whenever I'm wrong
I admit it, say "I'm sorry."
And hope to get laid.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

andrew versus timmy tree

He is gonna sail
To Denmark and put his mouth
Over my head. Oy!

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

8 o' clock classes

I want to go there,
I need to go there to pass,
But I'm hungover.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

on explosions

They make things cooler...
Except appendectomies...
Also, Alderaan.

Explosions done in
onomatopoeic caps:

Dr. Manhattan,
Sometimes I wish I were him.
Like around my ex.

Monday, April 13, 2009

on being cool

You want to be cool?
Just do what I do: sleep in...

Sunday, April 12, 2009

on battlestar galactica

I've never watched it.
I may play D&D, but
I'm not that nerdy.

Saturday, April 11, 2009


Of all the haikus
That I've written, this one is
One of those haikus.

Friday, April 10, 2009

on shaving

I have shaved myself.
I have done so to please you.
Happy Birthday, bro. :)

Thursday, April 9, 2009


Emotes do not count. :D
They aren't syllables at all. ;P
Frivolous. 8===(''')==D-----------(your face)

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

on the alphabet

If I were in charge,
I'd put U and I together
Just to fuck things up.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

on perversion

To give a flaming,
Dead, male, child elephant
A rusty trombone.

Ingus is just gross.

Rule thirty-four is
"If it exists, it has porn."
Rosie O'Donnell. :'(

When I meet a girl,
I picture her under me.
It's how we're wired.

Monday, April 6, 2009

on ex-girlfriends

They just flat out suck.
Suck suck suck suck suck suck suck.
They are not pleasant.

Chinese, russian, thai,
Korean, then chinese again,
And then two white girls.

Sunday, April 5, 2009

a night at Greg's

I asked for XP.
We were close, so Greg said, "Fine."
I danced for twelve hours.

It wants to kill me:
Greg's kitty cat named Kitty.
It's staring at me... D:

Xam'd: Lost Memories.
Furuichi eats his head!
Raigyo also dies.

Youtube kept taking
Our favorite vids away.
Fuck copyright law!

Then we played some RISK.
I won for the first time, but
Greg stole my thunder. :(

Greg is using three screens...
I am quite jealous.

I wish Corn were here.
He's my homosexual!
We'd bang each other.

Saturday, April 4, 2009

on Tony Jaa

Tony Jaa breaks bones,
Lots and lots and lots of bones.
Gives me erection.

Friday, April 3, 2009


Once or twice a year,
I go out to get one done:
Brazilian waxing.

Girlfriend did one once.
I collected hair as it fell,
Rolled a ball, kept it.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

on an alien that turns you into a punk rocker

My hundredth haiku.
I got here pretty quickly...
On to something else!

There's this alien
It makes you a punk rocker.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

on trickery and reflexivity

The best April Fools
Is no April Fools at all.
Fooled you, didn't I?

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

on keytars

Keytars are the shit,
But piantars are better.
...what's a piantar?

Monday, March 30, 2009

on antidisestablishmentarianism

Too few syllables.

Sunday, March 29, 2009


The excess fat drips,
We lick it, get obese kids.
Canada's to blame!

Special Thanksgiving.
The best of meals made divine!

"No bacon." Almost!
I'd make them cry cleverly,
But no palendrome. :(

Saturday, March 28, 2009



"Happy Birthday, Rev!"
I said, "NO CAKE!" Give me pie!
Even cheesecake's fine.

Key Lime Factory,
Just down the road from my place.
Rev prevents bankruptcy.

Friday, March 27, 2009

a pair of glasses

A Catch-22.
To find it, you must have it:
GPS Unit.

Got them at 15.
First put them on at Wal-mart.
Yelled, "This place is HUGE!"

"Well, you look...smarter."
Thanks, but that's not what I want:
To be damned sexy.

Eyes are off-center.
Thus, the glasses are crooked.
I look retarded.

Found them on a bench.
They looked like my prescription.
Kept 'em. (True story.)

Thursday, March 26, 2009


I have two of them.
They are both taller than me.
The eldest feels short.

I'm an Irish twin.
Born within a year of me,
He's the evil one.

We hate each other
The way married folks tend to,
But we both have cocks.

The youngest is cool,
Growing up just like me. Why?

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

on robots

My prime directive
Doesn't matter anymore.
I love you, Wall-E.

They're expendable.
Send them in before our troops:
The queers and the jews.

A world of robots.
Immortal and quite depressed.

I like to explain
Humorous things like a drone.

(Sorry for that one.
It simply isn't funny.
A robot wrote it.)

We should have sexbots.
They are more important than

Robot becomes man
(Reverse fossilization).
He plays with his dick.

"I'll be back." ker-SMASH!
God damn you, Schwarzenegger.
I just shat myself.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

on the train back home

Sat by an old man
On the train up to PC.
I watched Firefly.

Ex-girlfriend boarded.
Freaked me out beyond belief.
She didn't see me.

The man asked, "Who's that?"
"I took her virginity."
We had a good laugh.

Monday, March 23, 2009

on joints

As in cannabis,
Not osteoporosis.
Aspirin for puns?

A morning dove feeds
In a marijuana bush
And sings a high coo.

He leaped off the edge.
"I will save you, Mary Jane!"
Spiderman's last joint.

(That last one's better
If he's just a normal guy,
But he's REALLY high.)

Only 4 weeks 'til
The best of all holidays:
April Twentieth!

Pineapple Express
Proved to me that God does exist.

Legalize the herb.
Bring the world peace with some bud.
Make sure there's Cheetos.

Sunday, March 22, 2009


Eating ice cream
After a good zombie bash.
"You've got red on you."

Huddled near a corpse.
The Smiths eat their dinner. BRAINS!
The other white meat.

Soft sobs in the night.
Shadow of her former self.
Bill startled the Witch!

Eighty yards away.
I have a rifle, they're slow.
Thanks, George Romero!

Saturday, March 21, 2009

the army

It's fucking awesome.
They let you shoot guns and stuff.
Just don't drop the soap.

Friday, March 20, 2009

violence in my youth

I was a bully.
I punched a girl in her face
For just five dollars.

Went back to my seat,
Acted asleep. She was the
Bus driver's daughter.

Stabbed with a pencil,
Annoying kid yelled, "Teacher!"
They left. I high-fived.

He just stared blankly
After I bashed his face in.
I did it again.

Pushed against a bench,
I had no more choice in it.
"Them's is fightin' words."

The toss ended quick.
After that? Funny story.
Carpooled to ATOSS.

Gave me an orange.
I threw it and it hit him
In his testicles.

We're still fighting now,
Though not directly. Rather,
When I see him- SMACK!

No more fights since then.
Much anger, no violence.
Need a new hobby.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

on ssb, ssbm and ssbb

Super Smash Brothers
At first I sucked, then improved
Now I suck once more.

Starfox is my best.
Some people think he is cheap.
Fuck those idiots.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

holocaust haikus that are just wrong

German Nazis? No.
History books say they were
All on vacation.

Ten million bodies,
Gypsies, gays, catholics, jews,
They deserved to die.

Blind and deaf is worse.
Overshadowed by Keller,
Poor Anne Frank's corpse rolls.

I miss the Führer.
We knew evil for certain.
Now, we all might be.

It's easy to say
Mean things when you don't mean them.
Dead jews make me laugh.

Italians switch sides
For convenience. Spaghetti?!

They wanted Aryan,
But their leader was not one.
Ergo, suicide.

American stance:
"You deal with it." Pearl Harbor.
"Time to be heroes!"

Tuesday, March 17, 2009


Banana hammock.
They have bananas in them.
"Bananas" taste good.

You are what you eat,
And you shit what you eat. Thus,
Banana poo-sphere!

Monday, March 16, 2009

on roleplaying

This ain't what you think.
No weird outfits here. Although,
I do like spankings.

Tabletop RPGs.
I play D&D the most.
Other games are good too.

Do you want to play?
Roll up a character, friend.
I'll kill him for you.

These are some people
That I have been. See patterns?
They're all psychopaths.

Paranoid android.
He conquers to protect man.
His name is Iggy.

Ovan and Loki.
Father and cycloptic son.
Only one's a bear.

The perfect being:
Apparently some nanites.
"Hi! I'm GammaMax!"

Zaalbaar the Wookie.
His commercial sounds like this:
*strange growling noises*

Osgival the Elf.
He solo'd a pit fiend once.
Now he hunts the Abyss.

Hanging at gallows.
"But Krom the Misunderstood
Just wanted cabbage." :(

A halfling who always shouts
In a high-pitched voice.

Lars the half-giant.
A nice guy, before anger.
Then he will rape you.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

the bravest man

Tiananmen square.
One man stands up to a tank.
Testicles of steel.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

on toenails

I need to clip them.
Long, sharp and yellow, they are.
I'll just wear some shoes.

Where did it fly to?
I lost the big toe clipping.
Don't step on it, Self.

Friday, March 13, 2009

on firefly

Serenity drifts
Through reaver territory.
Please do not rape them.

We're not gonna die.
You know why? Because we are

They weren't cows inside.
They forgot. Now they see sky,
Now they remember.

You're drunk, then married,
Then she tries to kill you all.
Don't trust Yo-Saff-Bridge.

Hero of Canton.
A statue born from mistake.
The man they call Jayne.

Am I a lion?
I don't think myself one, but
I've a mighty roar.

River waxes profound.
Nobody seems to get it.
I miss Wash and Book.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

the truth

Can't really know it.
Many people think they know,
But they really don't.

Different stories.
It's the Roshômon effect.
Everyone's lying.

I told you the truth.
You refused to believe me.
You never will. Cunt.

Seven syllables.
Five more (I am not lying).
We end with seven.

When talking to you,
All I can think about is
Bumping your ugly.

You think you want it,
But you just can't handle it:
Sexy leprechaun.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

on writing haikus

Writing these haikus
That make sense only sometimes
Smells kind of blue-ish.

It is sometimes hard
To come up with what to say.
(five more syllables)

It gets addicting.
Once you start, you just can't stop:

I like lewd haikus.
Dirty things get lots of laughs.
Go google goatse.

Goes without saying,
The last line of this haiku.
I will still say it.

I'm writing haikus.
I should be doing homework.

Won't fit on one line.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

a common dilemna

I have to potty,
But the internet is here.
...I'll just wait a bit.

Monday, March 9, 2009

to suffer

It doesn't make sense,
Suffering for no reason...
I'll just masterbate.