Thursday, April 30, 2009

on copros

Fuck those evil cunts.
Always fucking up my shit
(I do not like them).

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

on kate beaton

She write great comics.
Jokes about history stuff.
My clan's in this one! :D

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

on technology

It does not like me.
Not at first, at least. Sometimes,
It puts out for me.

As an example,
Take Avid's Protools program.
It does not like me.

Monday, April 27, 2009

doctor pepper

You are no doctor,
Nor do you contain peppers.
What's up with that, Doc?

Sunday, April 26, 2009

on making out

When I'm giving tongue,
I like to pop my eyes wide
And swish all around.

But when I try to,
I can't. Preemptive laughter.
She thinks I'm crazy.

Saturday, April 25, 2009

on smiles

They're bad umbrellas.
Frowns are much better, except
Against metaphors.

Also, less wrinkles.
So I am told. I don't know.
Do I look sixty?

Friday, April 24, 2009

on poop

You search homonyms
For "poop" to use in haikus.
You've hit rock bottom.

The greatest of jokes
Are about poop, dung, scat, crap,
And fecal matter.

For example: I
Took your mother on a date.
Then, I shat on her. :D

...I think it's funny.
What? You think you've got better?
Well, let's hear it then!

Thursday, April 23, 2009

on drawing stuff

I'm okay at it.
Not the best artist ever,
But my cocks look right.

I started drawing
When I made D&D maps.
Never enough blood.

Reading webcomics
Inspired me to do more.
This is my first one.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

on pop'ems

Solid donut holes
Are twelve times as delicious
As solid assholes.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

on waiting

Waiting for a ride,
But also waiting for love.
Mostly the ride, though.

Love won't transport me
To the downtown. Luckily,
I love rides. WIN/WIN!

Monday, April 20, 2009

things i'm not good at

Drawing volcanos.
No matter how hard I try,
I get people's buttholes.

When I eat salad,
I can't help but find myself
Covered in lettuce.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

on arrested development

I watched it. Quite good,
But understand why it died:
Lack of nudity.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

on sneezing and the fabric of space-time

I once theorized
That sneezing with eyes open
Can cause time travel.

I never proved it
Until I turned 56,
Like three days ago.

Friday, April 17, 2009

on being wrong

Everyone is wrong.
Recognize this, you are right-
A new kind of wrong.

Nothing's definite.
There is no truth, just true things.
Facts and opinions.

Whenever I'm wrong
I admit it, say "I'm sorry."
And hope to get laid.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

andrew versus timmy tree

He is gonna sail
To Denmark and put his mouth
Over my head. Oy!

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

8 o' clock classes

I want to go there,
I need to go there to pass,
But I'm hungover.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

on explosions

They make things cooler...
Except appendectomies...
Also, Alderaan.

Explosions done in
onomatopoeic caps:

Dr. Manhattan,
Sometimes I wish I were him.
Like around my ex.

Monday, April 13, 2009

on being cool

You want to be cool?
Just do what I do: sleep in...

Sunday, April 12, 2009

on battlestar galactica

I've never watched it.
I may play D&D, but
I'm not that nerdy.

Saturday, April 11, 2009


Of all the haikus
That I've written, this one is
One of those haikus.

Friday, April 10, 2009

on shaving

I have shaved myself.
I have done so to please you.
Happy Birthday, bro. :)

Thursday, April 9, 2009


Emotes do not count. :D
They aren't syllables at all. ;P
Frivolous. 8===(''')==D-----------(your face)

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

on the alphabet

If I were in charge,
I'd put U and I together
Just to fuck things up.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

on perversion

To give a flaming,
Dead, male, child elephant
A rusty trombone.

Ingus is just gross.

Rule thirty-four is
"If it exists, it has porn."
Rosie O'Donnell. :'(

When I meet a girl,
I picture her under me.
It's how we're wired.

Monday, April 6, 2009

on ex-girlfriends

They just flat out suck.
Suck suck suck suck suck suck suck.
They are not pleasant.

Chinese, russian, thai,
Korean, then chinese again,
And then two white girls.

Sunday, April 5, 2009

a night at Greg's

I asked for XP.
We were close, so Greg said, "Fine."
I danced for twelve hours.

It wants to kill me:
Greg's kitty cat named Kitty.
It's staring at me... D:

Xam'd: Lost Memories.
Furuichi eats his head!
Raigyo also dies.

Youtube kept taking
Our favorite vids away.
Fuck copyright law!

Then we played some RISK.
I won for the first time, but
Greg stole my thunder. :(

Greg is using three screens...
I am quite jealous.

I wish Corn were here.
He's my homosexual!
We'd bang each other.

Saturday, April 4, 2009

on Tony Jaa

Tony Jaa breaks bones,
Lots and lots and lots of bones.
Gives me erection.

Friday, April 3, 2009


Once or twice a year,
I go out to get one done:
Brazilian waxing.

Girlfriend did one once.
I collected hair as it fell,
Rolled a ball, kept it.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

on an alien that turns you into a punk rocker

My hundredth haiku.
I got here pretty quickly...
On to something else!

There's this alien
It makes you a punk rocker.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

on trickery and reflexivity

The best April Fools
Is no April Fools at all.
Fooled you, didn't I?