on copros

Fuck those evil cunts.

Always fucking up my shit

(I do not like them).

on kate beaton

She write great comics.

Jokes about history stuff.

My clan's in this one! :D

on technology

It does not like me.

Not at first, at least. Sometimes,

It puts out for me.

As an example,

Take Avid's Protools program.

It does not like me.

doctor pepper

You are no doctor,

Nor do you contain peppers.

What's up with that, Doc?

on making out

When I'm giving tongue,

I like to pop my eyes wide

And swish all around.

But when I try to,

I can't. Preemptive laughter.

She thinks I'm crazy.

on smiles

They're bad umbrellas.

Frowns are much better, except

Against metaphors.

Also, less wrinkles.

So I am told. I don't know.

Do I look sixty?

on poop

You search homonyms

For "poop" to use in haikus.

You've hit rock bottom.

The greatest of jokes

Are about poop, dung, scat, crap,

And fecal matter.

For example: I

Took your mother on a date.

Then, I shat on her. :D

...I think it's funny.

What? You think you've got better?

Well, let's hear it then!

on drawing stuff

I'm okay at it.

Not the best artist ever,

But my cocks look right.

I started drawing

When I made D&D maps.

Never enough blood.

Reading webcomics

Inspired me to do more.

This is my first one.

on pop'ems

Solid donut holes
Are twelve times as delicious
As solid assholes.

on waiting

Waiting for a ride,

But also waiting for love.

Mostly the ride, though.

Love won't transport me

To the downtown. Luckily,

I love rides. WIN/WIN!

things i'm not good at

Drawing volcanos.

No matter how hard I try,

I get people's buttholes.

When I eat salad,

I can't help but find myself

Covered in lettuce.

on arrested development

I watched it. Quite good,

But understand why it died:

Lack of nudity.

on sneezing and the fabric of space-time

I once theorized

That sneezing with eyes open

Can cause time travel.

I never proved it

Until I turned 56,

Like three days ago.

on being wrong

Everyone is wrong.

Recognize this, you are right-

A new kind of wrong.

Nothing's definite.

There is no truth, just true things.

Facts and opinions.

Whenever I'm wrong

I admit it, say "I'm sorry."

And hope to get laid.

andrew versus timmy tree

He is gonna sail

To Denmark and put his mouth

Over my head. Oy!

8 o' clock classes

I want to go there,

I need to go there to pass,

But I'm hungover.

on explosions

They make things cooler...

Except appendectomies...

Also, Alderaan.

Explosions done in

onomatopoeic caps:

KRAKOOM! BOOM! BABOOM!

Dr. Manhattan,

Sometimes I wish I were him.

Like around my ex.

on being cool

You want to be cool?

Just do what I do: sleep in...

...refrigerators.

on battlestar galactica

I've never watched it.

I may play D&D, but

I'm not that nerdy.

lame

Of all the haikus

That I've written, this one is

One of those haikus.

on shaving

I have shaved myself.

I have done so to please you.

Happy Birthday, bro. :)

emoticons

Emotes do not count. :D
They aren't syllables at all. ;P
Frivolous. 8===(''')==D-----------(your face)

on the alphabet

If I were in charge,

I'd put U and I together

Just to fuck things up.

on perversion

To give a flaming,

Dead, male, child elephant

A rusty trombone.

Pyronecroho-

Mopedobestianal-

Ingus is just gross.

Rule thirty-four is

"If it exists, it has porn."

Rosie O'Donnell. :'(

When I meet a girl,

I picture her under me.

It's how we're wired.

on ex-girlfriends

They just flat out suck.

Suck suck suck suck suck suck suck.

They are not pleasant.

Chinese, russian, thai,

Korean, then chinese again,

And then two white girls.

a night at Greg's

I asked for XP.
We were close, so Greg said, "Fine."
I danced for twelve hours.

It wants to kill me:
Greg's kitty cat named Kitty.
It's staring at me... D:

Xam'd: Lost Memories.
Furuichi eats his head!
Raigyo also dies.

Youtube kept taking
Our favorite vids away.
Fuck copyright law!

Then we played some RISK.
I won for the first time, but
Greg stole my thunder. :(

Greg is using three screens...
ALL AT THE SAME FUCKING TIME!
I am quite jealous.

I wish Corn were here.
He's my homosexual!
We'd bang each other.

on Tony Jaa

Tony Jaa breaks bones,
Lots and lots and lots of bones.
Gives me erection.

haircuts

Once or twice a year,

I go out to get one done:

Brazilian waxing.

Girlfriend did one once.

I collected hair as it fell,

Rolled a ball, kept it.

on an alien that turns you into a punk rocker

My hundredth haiku.

I got here pretty quickly...

On to something else!

There's this alien

It makes you a punk rocker.
WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK?!

on trickery and reflexivity

The best April Fools

Is no April Fools at all.

Fooled you, didn't I?