five-seven-five daily

on the crazy train

2010-11-04T22:38:00.001-04:00

I have a headache.

I must be going insane,

Becaus-I LIKE TIGERSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!

on all hallow's tomorrow

2010-11-01T20:14:00.002-04:00

Caught influenza,

High-fived the Dalai Lama;

Quite the week I've had.

Writing a paper

About souls and caves and shit:

"Socrates just wins."

I came back for some reason

2010-10-11T18:29:00.004-04:00

It's been eighteen months

Since my last post (about Scrubs).

It ended again.

There was a spin-off.

It was a medical school,

And it really sucked.

I got a girlfriend

And a job, and though I'm rich

I still lack money.

I'm in Rothman's class,

Talking about Groundhog Day.

Reincarnation!

We're also discussing

This movie that is too long

To pronounce in here.

I think I may have

Lost my humor in these haik-

INTERRUPTING COW!

Have I become lame?

Boring and dull and lacking wit?

Probably maybe.

Or maybe fuck it

I wrote terrible haikus

And I'll keep at it!

Alright, this is it.

I hereby declare, I shall write

ALL OF THE HAIKUS!

on scrubs

2009-05-07T06:00:00.000-04:00

It ended last night.

Watched it intermittently,

But it was the shit.

hentai haiku

2009-05-06T06:00:00.001-04:00

Oo me so juicy,

Like a succulent spring plum-

Pluck me! Pluck me now!

cinco de mayo

2009-05-05T06:00:00.000-04:00

Fiftho of Mayo.

This is the dayo that we

Just lay aroundo.

breaking bad

2009-05-04T06:00:00.000-04:00

Best show on TV.

It's all about drugs and stuff,

But it's not The Wire.

on exams

2009-05-03T06:00:00.000-04:00

I have three of them.

I should probably study...

...I'll just masterbate.

on porn

2009-05-02T06:00:00.000-04:00

I watch for function,

sometimes to be entertained:

Who's Nailin' Palin?

on 12-hour workdays

2009-05-01T06:00:00.000-04:00

They are the worst thing,

Especially when working

With your ex-girlfriend.

on copros

2009-04-30T06:00:00.000-04:00

Fuck those evil cunts.

Always fucking up my shit

(I do not like them).

on kate beaton

2009-04-29T06:00:00.000-04:00

She write great comics.

Jokes about history stuff.

My clan's in this one! :D

on technology

2009-04-28T06:00:00.001-04:00

It does not like me.

Not at first, at least. Sometimes,

It puts out for me.

As an example,

Take Avid's Protools program.

It does not like me.

doctor pepper

2009-04-27T06:00:00.000-04:00

You are no doctor,

Nor do you contain peppers.

What's up with that, Doc?

on making out

2009-04-26T06:00:00.001-04:00

When I'm giving tongue,

I like to pop my eyes wide

And swish all around.

But when I try to,

I can't. Preemptive laughter.

She thinks I'm crazy.

on smiles

2009-04-25T06:00:00.002-04:00

They're bad umbrellas.

Frowns are much better, except

Against metaphors.

Also, less wrinkles.

So I am told. I don't know.

Do I look sixty?

on poop

2009-04-24T06:00:00.002-04:00

You search homonyms
For "poop" to use in haikus.
You've hit rock bottom.

The greatest of jokes

Are about poop, dung, scat, crap,

And fecal matter.

For example: I

Took your mother on a date.

Then, I shat on her. :D

...I think it's funny.

What? You think you've got better?

Well, let's hear it then!

on drawing stuff

2009-04-23T06:00:00.002-04:00

I'm okay at it.

Not the best artist ever,

But my cocks look right.

I started drawing

When I made D&D maps.

Never enough blood.

Reading webcomics

Inspired me to do more.

This is my first one.

on pop'ems

2009-04-22T06:00:00.003-04:00

Solid donut holes
Are twelve times as delicious
As solid assholes.

on waiting

2009-04-21T06:00:00.001-04:00

Waiting for a ride,

But also waiting for love.

Mostly the ride, though.

Love won't transport me

To the downtown. Luckily,

I love rides. WIN/WIN!

things i'm not good at

2009-04-20T06:00:00.001-04:00

Drawing volcanos.

No matter how hard I try,

I get people's buttholes.

When I eat salad,

I can't help but find myself

Covered in lettuce.

on arrested development

2009-04-19T06:00:00.001-04:00

I watched it. Quite good,

But understand why it died:

Lack of nudity.

on sneezing and the fabric of space-time

2009-04-18T06:00:00.002-04:00

I once theorized

That sneezing with eyes open

Can cause time travel.

I never proved it

Until I turned 56,

Like three days ago.

on being wrong

2009-04-17T06:00:00.001-04:00

Everyone is wrong.

Recognize this, you are right-

A new kind of wrong.

Nothing's definite.

There is no truth, just true things.

Facts and opinions.

Whenever I'm wrong

I admit it, say "I'm sorry."

And hope to get laid.

andrew versus timmy tree

2009-04-16T06:00:00.000-04:00

He is gonna sail

To Denmark and put his mouth

Over my head. Oy!

8 o' clock classes

2009-04-15T06:00:00.001-04:00

I want to go there,

I need to go there to pass,

But I'm hungover.

on explosions

2009-04-14T06:00:00.002-04:00

They make things cooler...
Except appendectomies...
Also, Alderaan.

Explosions done in

onomatopoeic caps:

KRAKOOM! BOOM! BABOOM!

Dr. Manhattan,

Sometimes I wish I were him.

Like around my ex.

on being cool

2009-04-13T06:00:00.001-04:00

You want to be cool?

Just do what I do: sleep in...

...refrigerators.

on battlestar galactica

2009-04-12T06:00:00.003-04:00

I've never watched it.

I may play D&D, but

I'm not that nerdy.

lame

2009-04-11T06:00:00.001-04:00

Of all the haikus

That I've written, this one is

One of those haikus.

on shaving

2009-04-10T06:00:00.002-04:00

I have shaved myself.

I have done so to please you.

Happy Birthday, bro. :)

emoticons

2009-04-09T06:00:00.000-04:00

Emotes do not count. :D
They aren't syllables at all. ;P
Frivolous. 8===(''')==D-----------(your face)

on the alphabet

2009-04-08T05:43:00.001-04:00

If I were in charge,

I'd put U and I together

Just to fuck things up.

on perversion

2009-04-07T08:07:00.002-04:00

To give a flaming,

Dead, male, child elephant

A rusty trombone.

Pyronecroho-

Mopedobestianal-

Ingus is just gross.

Rule thirty-four is

"If it exists, it has porn."

Rosie O'Donnell. :'(

When I meet a girl,

I picture her under me.

It's how we're wired.

on ex-girlfriends

2009-04-06T08:57:00.002-04:00

They just flat out suck.

Suck suck suck suck suck suck suck.

They are not pleasant.

Chinese, russian, thai,

Korean, then chinese again,

And then two white girls.

a night at Greg's

2009-04-05T07:23:00.004-04:00

I asked for XP.
We were close, so Greg said, "Fine."
I danced for twelve hours.

It wants to kill me:
Greg's kitty cat named Kitty.
It's staring at me... D:

Xam'd: Lost Memories.
Furuichi eats his head!
Raigyo also dies.

Youtube kept taking
Our favorite vids away.
Fuck copyright law!

Then we played some RISK.
I won for the first time, but
Greg stole my thunder. :(

Greg is using three screens...
ALL AT THE SAME FUCKING TIME!
I am quite jealous.

I wish Corn were here.
He's my homosexual!
We'd bang each other.

on Tony Jaa

2009-04-04T08:16:00.002-04:00

Tony Jaa breaks bones,
Lots and lots and lots of bones.
Gives me erection.

haircuts

2009-04-03T07:29:00.001-04:00

Once or twice a year,
I go out to get one done:
Brazilian waxing.

Girlfriend did one once.
I collected hair as it fell,
Rolled a ball, kept it.

on an alien that turns you into a punk rocker

2009-04-02T09:15:00.001-04:00

My hundredth haiku.
I got here pretty quickly...
On to something else!

There's this alien
It makes you a punk rocker.
WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK?!

on trickery and reflexivity

2009-04-01T06:53:00.001-04:00

The best April Fools

Is no April Fools at all.

Fooled you, didn't I?

on keytars

2009-03-31T08:10:00.002-04:00

Keytars are the shit,

But piantars are better.
...what's a piantar?

on antidisestablishmentarianism

2009-03-30T09:09:00.000-04:00

Antidisestab-
lishmentarianism:
Too few syllables.

bacon

2009-03-29T08:38:00.002-04:00

The excess fat drips,

We lick it, get obese kids.

Canada's to blame!

Special Thanksgiving.

The best of meals made divine!

Turbaconducken.

"No bacon." Almost!

I'd make them cry cleverly,

But no palendrome. :(

pie/π-kus

2009-03-28T05:29:00.001-04:00

3.141

5926535

8979...

"Happy Birthday, Rev!"

I said, "NO CAKE!" Give me pie!

Even cheesecake's fine.

Key Lime Factory,

Just down the road from my place.

Rev prevents bankruptcy.

a pair of glasses

2009-03-27T04:55:00.002-04:00

A Catch-22.

To find it, you must have it:

GPS Unit.

Got them at 15.

First put them on at Wal-mart.

Yelled, "This place is HUGE!"

"Well, you look...smarter."

Thanks, but that's not what I want:

To be damned sexy.

Eyes are off-center.

Thus, the glasses are crooked.

I look retarded.

Found them on a bench.

They looked like my prescription.

Kept 'em. (True story.)

brothers

2009-03-26T09:36:00.002-04:00

I have two of them.

They are both taller than me.

The eldest feels short.

I'm an Irish twin.

Born within a year of me,

He's the evil one.

We hate each other

The way married folks tend to,

But we both have cocks.

The youngest is cool,

Growing up just like me. Why?

Manipulation.

on robots

2009-03-25T07:29:00.001-04:00

My prime directive

Doesn't matter anymore.
I love you, Wall-E.

They're expendable.

Send them in before our troops:

The queers and the jews.

A world of robots.

Immortal and quite depressed.

FUCK YOUR SHOW, CASSHERN!

I like to explain

Humorous things like a drone.

Jux-ta-po-si-tion.

(Sorry for that one.

It simply isn't funny.

A robot wrote it.)

We should have sexbots.

They are more important than
Immortality.

Robot becomes man

(Reverse fossilization).

He plays with his dick.

"I'll be back." ker-SMASH!

God damn you, Schwarzenegger.

I just shat myself.

on the train back home

2009-03-24T07:40:00.001-04:00

Sat by an old man

On the train up to PC.

I watched Firefly.

Ex-girlfriend boarded.

Freaked me out beyond belief.

She didn't see me.

The man asked, "Who's that?"

"I took her virginity."

We had a good laugh.

on joints

2009-03-23T09:02:00.000-04:00

As in cannabis,
Not osteoporosis.
Aspirin for puns?

A morning dove feeds
In a marijuana bush
And sings a high coo.

He leaped off the edge.
"I will save you, Mary Jane!"
Spiderman's last joint.

(That last one's better
If he's just a normal guy,
But he's REALLY high.)

Only 4 weeks 'til
The best of all holidays:
April Twentieth!

Pineapple Express
Proved to me that God does exist.
ALL HAIL THE CROSS-JOINT!

Legalize the herb.
Bring the world peace with some bud.
Make sure there's Cheetos.

zombies

2009-03-22T07:29:00.007-04:00

Eating ice cream

After a good zombie bash.

"You've got red on you."

Huddled near a corpse.

The Smiths eat their dinner. BRAINS!

The other white meat.

Soft sobs in the night.

Shadow of her former self.

Bill startled the Witch!

Eighty yards away.

I have a rifle, they're slow.

Thanks, George Romero!

the army

2009-03-21T08:29:00.001-04:00

It's fucking awesome.
They let you shoot guns and stuff.
Just don't drop the soap.

violence in my youth

2009-03-20T10:46:00.001-04:00

I was a bully.

I punched a girl in her face

For just five dollars.

Went back to my seat,

Acted asleep. She was the

Bus driver's daughter.

Stabbed with a pencil,

Annoying kid yelled, "Teacher!"

They left. I high-fived.

He just stared blankly

After I bashed his face in.

I did it again.

Pushed against a bench,

I had no more choice in it.

"Them's is fightin' words."

The toss ended quick.

After that? Funny story.

Carpooled to ATOSS.

Gave me an orange.

I threw it and it hit him

In his testicles.

We're still fighting now,

Though not directly. Rather,

When I see him- SMACK!

No more fights since then.

Much anger, no violence.

Need a new hobby.

on ssb, ssbm and ssbb

2009-03-19T11:58:00.002-04:00

Super Smash Brothers
At first I sucked, then improved
Now I suck once more.

Starfox is my best.
Some people think he is cheap.
Fuck those idiots.

holocaust haikus that are just wrong

2009-03-18T07:57:00.001-04:00

German Nazis? No.
History books say they were
All on vacation.

Ten million bodies,
Gypsies, gays, catholics, jews,
They deserved to die.

Blind and deaf is worse.
Overshadowed by Keller,
Poor Anne Frank's corpse rolls.

I miss the Führer.
We knew evil for certain.
Now, we all might be.

It's easy to say

Mean things when you don't mean them.

Dead jews make me laugh.

Italians switch sides

For convenience. Spaghetti?!

Delizioso!

They wanted Aryan,

But their leader was not one.

Ergo, suicide.

American stance:

"You deal with it." Pearl Harbor.

"Time to be heroes!"

bananas

2009-03-17T10:54:00.002-04:00

Banana hammock.
They have bananas in them.
"Bananas" taste good.

You are what you eat,
And you shit what you eat. Thus,
Banana poo-sphere!

on roleplaying

2009-03-16T11:32:00.001-04:00

This ain't what you think.
No weird outfits here. Although,
I do like spankings.

Tabletop RPGs.
I play D&D the most.
Other games are good too.

Do you want to play?
Roll up a character, friend.
I'll kill him for you.

These are some people
That I have been. See patterns?
They're all psychopaths.

Paranoid android.
He conquers to protect man.
His name is Iggy.

Ovan and Loki.
Father and cycloptic son.
Only one's a bear.

The perfect being:
Apparently some nanites.
"Hi! I'm GammaMax!"

Zaalbaar the Wookie.
His commercial sounds like this:
*strange growling noises*

Osgival the Elf.
He solo'd a pit fiend once.
Now he hunts the Abyss.

Hanging at gallows.
"But Krom the Misunderstood
Just wanted cabbage." :(

MERIMAS UNDERHILL!
A halfling who always shouts
In a high-pitched voice.

Lars the half-giant.
A nice guy, before anger.
Then he will rape you.

the bravest man

2009-03-15T06:30:00.000-04:00

Tiananmen square.
One man stands up to a tank.
Testicles of steel.

on toenails

2009-03-14T10:56:00.000-04:00

I need to clip them.
Long, sharp and yellow, they are.
I'll just wear some shoes.

Where did it fly to?
I lost the big toe clipping.
Don't step on it, Self.

on firefly

2009-03-13T07:59:00.001-04:00

Serenity drifts

Through reaver territory.

Please do not rape them.

We're not gonna die.

You know why? Because we are

So...very...pretty.

They weren't cows inside.

They forgot. Now they see sky,

Now they remember.

You're drunk, then married,

Then she tries to kill you all.

Don't trust Yo-Saff-Bridge.

Hero of Canton.

A statue born from mistake.

The man they call Jayne.

Am I a lion?

I don't think myself one, but

I've a mighty roar.

River waxes profound.
Nobody seems to get it.
I miss Wash and Book.

the truth

2009-03-12T09:30:00.002-04:00

Can't really know it.

Many people think they know,

But they really don't.

Different stories.

It's the Roshômon effect.

Everyone's lying.

I told you the truth.

You refused to believe me.

You never will. Cunt.

Seven syllables.

Five more (I am not lying).

We end with seven.

When talking to you,

All I can think about is

Bumping your ugly.

You think you want it,

But you just can't handle it:

Sexy leprechaun.

on writing haikus

2009-03-11T10:33:00.000-04:00

Writing these haikus
That make sense only sometimes
Smells kind of blue-ish.

It is sometimes hard
To come up with what to say.
(five more syllables)

It gets addicting.

Once you start, you just can't stop:

Methamphetamine.

I like lewd haikus.

Dirty things get lots of laughs.

Go google goatse.

Goes without saying,

The last line of this haiku.

I will still say it.

I'm writing haikus.

I should be doing homework.

Procrastination.

Floccinaucini-

Hilipilification

Won't fit on one line.

a common dilemna

2009-03-10T12:10:00.000-04:00

I have to potty,

But the internet is here.

...I'll just wait a bit.

to suffer

2009-03-09T11:54:00.000-04:00

It doesn't make sense,

Suffering for no reason...

I'll just masterbate.